THIS CHICK IS HOT!!!

Check her shit out! She's FORTY!

HOUSESITTING

Am house-sitting for my sister while she is on a Caribbean Cruise, and am caretaking her retarded dog.

She left lots of food in the house, but it is comprised entirely of string cheese and Gogurt. I MUST go grocery shopping.

My sister successfully avoided the huge snowfall that fell just as she was boarding the flight to Florida. I did not avoid it, of course, and was dismayed to discover that my sister does not own a snow shovel. Or any shovel, for that matter. She DOES have a rake.

Rakes are ineffectual against 18 inches of accumulated snow, I discovered.

Fortunately, my sister must be servicing the entire neighborhood, sexually, because, in the morning, a half-dozen married men with snow-blowers arrived to clean the driveway and free me from snow prison. They were dismayed to find the only Rapunzel to be had was Me in my sweats and t-shirt, scratching my ass.

At least now I know why she doesn't own a snow shovel.

The dog ate something that looked like a woven rug, my second day here. I know this because I nearly stepped in it after the dog regurgitated it just outside the bedroom door. Must remember to leave lights on to avoid such pitfalls.

The dog is a nice companion and terriffic watchdog. She barks at plows, and squirrels, and falling snow, and the refrigerator. She needs to go outside three hundred and forty two times per day. Each trip out lasts nine seconds, at which point she remembers it's cold as shit outside.

The dog enjoys grabbing kibbles from her food dish and flinging them about. She chases, pounces, batters and shakes the kibble like it's a mouse. Then she leaves it for me to step on. Which I do. Always.

I was excited to stay here because my sister and her kids have every sort of gizmo, video game platform, cable channel, remote controlled vehicle, and Internet option available to Man. Unfortunately, my ten-year old nephew has disassembled every single electronic gadget in the house, to see how they work. Then he apparently took the most important parts and hid them, or dropped them down a storm-drain, or fed them to the dog, which does not seem unlikely to me after witnessing the regurgitated woven rug.

Anyway, at least I still have my iPhone.

CUTEST PHOTO EVER

A girl I know was having a tense and stressful time of it, and I chose *that* day to give her shit and generally rain mischief upon her.

She responded as one would expect.

In contrition, I sent her this photo, along with an apology, to cheer her up. I knew it would have the desired effect, for it is the Cutest Photo EVER, and women always respond to Cute.

Her reply:

"I can see that hamster's asshole."

THE NEW MEDIA

I have lately been exploring the new media and finding wonderful
nuggets I feel compelled to share.

Everyone is familiar with web-based news sources, and blogs of both a
political and personal nature, and the websites forming the
"information superhighway," and even iTunes. But I have just
discovered the wonder that is independent podcasting.

Here are some wonderful voices contributing to the music of public
discourse, education, and entertainment I have found in the last week:

1) Coffee Break Spanish - Spanish Teacher Mark and student Kara teach
conversational Spanish in a free weekly podcast (80 archives) that
will leave you grinning like a moron. Based in Edinburgh, Scotland,
the hosts speak English with almost incomprehensible Scottish brogues,
but with (literally) audible smiles on their faces. The Spanish
taught, though, is on the money. As their theme song says, "No haggis
here, just a bit of Espanol online." Charming, funny, and unbelievably
entertaining.
Http://www.radiolingua.com/ourpodcasts/index.html

2) Dan Carlin - Carlin is the most successful indy podcaster in the
world. He has two podcasts, one entitled "Common Sense" that is
essentially a thirty minute discussion of news and politics viewed
through his prism of independent political thought. You will almost
never agree with him, no matter where you stand politically, but he
will challenge your beliefs. Invaluable. But even better is his recent
series called "Hardcore History," which is his hour long journey
through the past, as guided by a guy who LOVES history and knows his
subject, but is not an academic and can therefore speculate about
"what ifs," like, "What if the Saxons had won the Battle of
Hastings," or even, "What if the Apaches Had Machine Guns?"
http://www.dancarlin.com

3) Filmspotting - Two smart young guys, film nerds each, produce a
slick, sophisticated, very politically correct program that looks at
Indy films and blockbusters in equal measure. Could perhaps use a bit
more irreverence, but I have to admire the family friendly nature of
the discourse while still they manage to include adult themes and
(sometimes) language in the clips and conversation. Think, "NPR Talks
About the Movies."
http://filmspotting.net

4) The Moth - For 10+ years, theMoth.org has been teaching
storytelling seminars and producing live theatrical shows that consist
of nothing more than average folks sitting on stage and telling
stories about their lives. My favorites: the NYPD cop talking about a
stakeout that went horribly awry, and the writer for Law & Order
talking about his childhhood experience as a NY Yankees batboy.
www.themoth.org

5) Podcast Alley - Thousands of podcasts can be found here, on every
topic, and of every level of professionalism.
www.podcastalley.com

EVERYBODY ON EARTH

I just calculated, for reasons of my own that I feel no need to share, that if you took every person on earth (assuming that number is six billion) and gave them a two foot square to stand on, then every single human being would fit within the borders of Kent County, Michigan.

You'd have room left over, even, for a couple of porta-potties and a McDonalds.

On a practical level, though, you'd have to put the really, really fat people next to Somalis or something.

ITALIAN FOOD

Our waitress was an an aging Las Vegas showgirl, now faded and sagging but still showing moxie. She took a break from downing highballs and playing canasta to take our order.

We wanted a large antipasto salad and a small Sicilian deep dish pizza. We even said so.

"Oh, that salad's too much for three of you. You should get the small. Really."

"Oh," we said and glanced at each other. "Well.."

"Small salad it is, then," she said, and wrote it down.

"Okay, well, and then a small Sicilian deep dish deluxe," we said.

"Well, now is that going to be enough pizza?" she asked, eyeing us and shaking her head in the negative.

"Yeah, we figured it's six pieces so we'd each get two slices, and with a big salad..."

"Oh, well it's not an OVERLY big salad," she said, referring to the salad that SHE had ordered for us. "It's enough for three."

"Well, we thought we'd get an appetizer or two, also."

"Large pizza it is!" she said, jotting it down with a swoop. "What kind of appetizers did you want?"

We told her. Two of us also ordered diet cokes.

"Did you want to order a pitcher of Diet then?" she asked.

"Don't they give free refills here?" Brandon whispered to me. I shrugged, which Lola the Waitress took as assent.

"Pitcher of Diet coming up!" she barked.

When our food arrived, the salad proved to be delicious, but sparse, and we found ourselves fingering lettuce shards out of the empty bowl. The appetizers, the ordering of which she hadn't interfered with, were perfect. We ate a total of four slices of pizza It was salty, gooey, and huge. It was not, however, either Sicilian or deep dish.

"Guess she decided we should get the thin crust," I said, sipping some of the seven dollar pitcher of Diet Coke.

IF YOU SEE THIS GUY, HIT HIM IN THE FACE WITH A LOG